As I glanced at my next week’s calendar to see what to look forward to at the office, I thought to myself, When can I find time to do actual work? As you can see in the screen shot below, meetings have been booked pretty much back-to-back. (For obvious security and privacy reasons, I had to block out the meeting details using green rectangles except for those labeled “Lunch”, and had to gray out some text in the folder section.) **Click on the image below to see a larger version.**

There are quite a few half-hour intervals scattered all over the place where I can do some “actual work”, while my Friday looks more promising for “catching up” activities–things I’d rather not do during the weekend.

It’s interesting to see how we’ve become so obsessed with meetings, video conferences, and committees, because they’re supposed to be group- and team-oriented activities that emphasize active communication, and therefore they must be good. Never mind last meeting’s action points that were supposed to have been done that we didn’t get a chance working on before the next meeting because of other meetings, but darn it–we’re going to meet to talk about why we were unable to get anything accomplished.

Oh, and those blocks I labeled as “Lunch”–they double up as “Read E-mail” as well. Anyone can type with one hand and hold the fork with the other. As long as food residue doesn’t get trapped in the keyboard, you’re good.

Don’t you admire those people who have the guts to invite you to an impromptu meeting over the phone? They don’t even have to schedule one–they just reel you in after you take the bait. The scenario goes like this… let’s say you’re doing “Lunch” (or “Read E-mail”, or whatever you choose to substitute) and the phone rings. You pick up the phone. It’s Bill. He says he found something that he has a question on, and you’re the only one who can help him out. So you answer a few questions, and then he says, “Hey, since you’re on the phone, do you have a few minutes for a quick conference call?” You politely say, “Sure,” and he then calls two other people into conference. So you’re staring at 30+ e-mail messages while you participate in an impromptu phone meeting, type with one hand, and shove food into your mouth with the other hand. You chew slowly and quietly, of course, and occasionally press the mute button when munching on croutons or downing that big gulp from the cafeteria. You just hope that you won’t be required to speak the second you bite into that greasy cheeseburger.

To make the best out of the meeting blues, here are my 10 tips:

1. If you always have food at meetings, then you won’t have to have “Lunch”. You can then use that time slot for more meetings (or real work, if you feel guilty about it).
2. When you receive an invitation for a meeting that is adjacent to two meetings, check if there’s an agenda specified in the invitation. If no agenda is written there, decline because the meeting may not be that important–there’s no way to know in this case, but you’d assume the worst, anyway.
3. Create phantom meetings (those that you make yourself) on your calendar. When someone schedules a real meeting that will cover the phantom slot, you can decline and write, “Sorry, I’m double-booked!” You’ll appear very important at the same time.
4. Always bring your laptop or any mobile device to the meeting to keep working on more important aspects of your job. If you get evil looks from others in the room, tell them they shouldn’t feel special because you do that in all meetings you attend.
5. During 10-minute breaks, ask the person sitting next to you for notes and copy them like crazy. Remember–you’re supposed to work on your laptop or any mobile device during the meeting, therefore you can’t pay attention, take notes, and work at the same time, unless you’re that talented and have an extra set of hands or cranial hemisphere. Breaks are meant for catching up.
6. When you’re asked a question and you happen to not know the answer because you’re too busy working during the meeting, always say, “Bob, I think I’ll have to rethink that one and get back to you. Shoot me an e-mail, will ya?” Might work, but is not guaranteed.
7. Never apologize for choking on your grilled chicken sandwich while on a phone conference. Doing so is admittance to guilt. You were multitasking. And besides, the cafeteria overcooks the chicken breast, making it too dry without the mayo.
8. Always say no to follow-up meetings, especially if they’re scheduled the same length as the original meeting. Question the point of meeting face-to-face, as opposed to summarizing everything, including updates, in a nice little e-mail to add to your exploding inbox.
9. If the meeting will require you to drive to another building or another campus of the company, always ask the meeting organizer for an ROI based on the gas mileage you’d spend on your car. That’s to see if driving to the meeting is economically sound to your wallet. Otherwise, ask for the conference number and work from the comfort of your desk.
10. Announce to everyone you work with that you’ll be in several meetings that day and that you won’t have access to e-mail. That will keep them from sending you additional e-mails you’ll have to read on top of the unread e-mails from the past 4 days.

Can hardly wait for Monday!